The Hardest Post I’ve Written. Ever.

For the past week or so, every single time I get into my truck to go somewhere, I hear the exact same song on the radio. I kid you not. I leave at different times on different days, yet every time, Losing by Tenth Avenue North is playing on the radio.

Some of you might take that not to mean anything, I however, have figured out that God is trying to speak to me. And He is speaking loudly about the hardest thing that I have found to do in my christian walk. Forgiveness. It’s that thing that you give to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Who hurt you or someone you love, who embedded hurt so far down inside that you don’t even know that you need to forgive.

I find it so much easier to forgive a stranger than someone who means so much to me. Someone who means much, can inflict so much wreckage in our lives and yet God says, Forgive.

I thought for years now, that I had forgiven and forgotten about some past hurts. But this month, God has shown me that in my humanity, I simply pushed those hurts, the pain, the words spoken to me out of malice, down farther and farther and now, they have made their way to the surface refusing to go away without being taken care of.

I realized that there are some people in my life that I hadn’t forgiven because the hurt that was inflicted was deeper than I ever understood before. It was a hurt that shaped my life in my early years, that made me question who I was and whether anyone would ever love me, or would even see that I exist. It’s a pain that I have carried around, a feeling of righteous abandonment, that I felt I didn’t have to forgive. And my denial only increased as the years have passed. I am 34 years old and I still have malicious words running through my head from years ago that I have never forgotten nor have I forgiven.

And now as I grow in my spiritual walk, all I want is to be free of this pain, free of these thoughts, words, and actions that shaped wrong thoughts of myself. I want to be free to love again. Free to live in God’s love and free to live the life that God has always had for me. Not long ago I prayed that God would open the rusty doors to all the rooms in my heart, and He has answered, opening all the doors that I was trying to hold closed, but that’s not where I want to be. I pray that God will help me to forgive those people that have hurt me and that I and they will be released, I mean, forgiveness is not supposed to be easy. Think about what Jesus had to do for our forgiveness, He had to DIE. He had to bleed. He had to suffer. But JOY came in the morning, the morning, that He rose again from the dead.

My friend, Cari, told me once, that sometimes you just have to write a letter about how you feel about something someone has done to you, so here’s mine to all the unforgiven in my life.

To the Unforgiven:

I want to forgive you. So this is what I pray:


Please help me to forgive them. They know not what they do. They do not know that they have caused me such pain. I no longer want to live in unforgiveness. I’m ready to let go of the pain, the hurt, and all the words that are running around in my brain. I pray Father, for Your Holy Spirit to rise up in me, to clear my heart of all the bitterness that I have harbored against these people. I pray blessings upon each and everyone of them, that You will bless them abundantly. Father I pray for Your peace that passes all understanding on myself and on the people that I have felt wronged by.


The Bible has a lot to say about forgiveness, But I would start here: Matthew 6:9-13. It’s Jesus’ own prayer. Do you have someone that you need to forgive? I pray that you will and that God will give you the strength to do so.


Be Blessed.


From my fellow missionary Jessica, a great post on encouraging christians, and the WOTC pastors conference in Nicaragua!

Zinck Family Missions

The Word of God is a beautiful and intricate message. It can be carried through direct words, humble actions, passionate teachings and many other venues. It is more than letters on a page; it is life.

This past week Way of the Cross came together with Christ Community Church out of Chicago, IL to teach the Word of God at a pastors conference in Nicaragua.

100 pastors attended that conference, but those 100 men and women are not your typical pastors. They don’t have extravagant churches, padded pews or stained glass windows. They don’t have fancy equipment or very much money. Many don’t even have a formal education.

It is hard to imagine churches like these.

Yet God is using these churches, these pastors, to preach His word and it is always a blessing to see the Word of God poured back into them.

The conference was a short, but intense, three days. Pastor Jim Nicodem of…

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What has God been speaking directly to your heart?

New Post coming Soon! God has been speaking to me about forgiveness. What about you? What has God been speaking directly into your heart?

When TOUGH becomes FAITH

I removed his shoulder from the burden;
His hands were freed from the baskets.
You called in trouble, and I delivered you;
I answered you in the secret place of thunder;
I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah”  

  Psalm 81:6-7

I had a long conversation with my friend, Indy, the other day. She shared this verse with me. And oh,  how I needed it. I love that God uses the people in our lives to share His message with us. To remind us when we need reminding.

This year has been a tough year. I have had passports and money stolen in foreign countries and here at home, I have had two broken bones in my arms, I’ve had spiders in my house (THAT is a BIG deal to me!), I’ve had family legal battles, made big decisions to change things in my life and just the normal stress of having a home, children, and a purpose in life.

There are two things that I want you to get out of this: One is that throughout all these difficutlies, all the pain, all the strife, God has led me through all of it. What was meant for harm, actually came out strengthening my faith and resolve to be a follower of Christ. God has truly fulfilled that promise, that what is meant for bad will be good. Just so I’m perfectly clear, it hasn’t been easy. My flesh has wanted to scream in pain at all the progress in my spiritual life, because, you can’t be close to God and close to yourself. Surrendering it all, laying it down, and then saying and maintaining the attitude that God’s got this…is not an easy thing to do. But we have to do it anyway. That’s where a tough life gets into hardcore having the FEAR of the Lord and clinging to God and HIS way in every way possible.

The other thing that I want for you to get out of this, is Psalm 81. When we call upon God in our trouble, it says in Psalm 81 that he meets us in the “SECRET PLACE”, having tested us in the waters of Meribah. First, where is your secret place? That is where you meet God, where you read His Word, where you sing to Him, worship Him, speak to Him. If you are not meeting Him in the secret place, start today. That is where your answers are.

Second, Meribah means strife. God tests us in the waters of strife. Will you be able to grow spiritually when your life is in strife? This verse reinforces the fact that God does care, and especially in these trying times, when life is stressful, whether some big tragedy is in your life, or just the small stress of living life is upon you, if you turn to God, He will not only lead you through it, but will teach you to continue to put your faith in Him.

I know that the tough times in my life have become newfound, stronger faith. And I praise the Lord for that!

God is our Fuel! We need to make sure we fill up on Him!

I have one of those personalities that I have to be very careful with my focus. I can get so focused on one project, get into all those pesky details that everything else in my life will fall apart, even my relationship with God.

Learning to balance all the many priorities in my life is a major obstacle that I am trying to overcome. In anyone’s life, we have so many things that have to get done. I used to think that I had to do everything and do it well. Now as I grow older and mature in my relationship with Christ, I am realizing that my priorities have to have an order to them. So what’s that order?

#1 GOD. My relationship with God has to be right, otherwise the rest of my life will fall to pieces. God is our fuel. It’s our relationship with Him, that keeps us going throughout the day. We need to be vigilant in taking the time to spend time in the Word, and in prayer and worship. God will lead us and guide us, and give us the ability to control our emotions, and be that “Jiminy Cricket” on our shoulder. We have to be able to hear His voice over the din of everyday life. By spending our time with Him, everything else seems to fall into place. I’m not saying that you won’t have trials, far from that, we will have trials constantly, but with God, He is the answer to every trial that we go through, and if you are not “fueling up” then you are going to miss out, and be constantly stressed by the trials of life.

#2 Family! Sometimes, you have to make decisions based on what is best for ALL your family and not just you. As a parent, there are many times that I have to say no, even when it’s something I want to do, like go evangelising, or jamming, or anything else. We have to put our families, especially our children first, because it is our most important responsibility to teach our children the way of Christ. If your stressed and you are a single mom, have one of your girlfriends make the decisions. 🙂 I have a friend that when I can’t make one more decision, I can send my boys to her and she knows my heart and will make a simple decision for me! But God does truly expect us as parents, to be vigilant not only in our words, but in our actions. So by making the right choices and choosing our family when appropriate, that’s what we are called to do as mothers.

#3 Awesome God Given Friends. I am blessed that I live in very close proximity to other missionaries. The women in my life encourage my walk with the Lord always. They help to remind me of those things that I may have forgotten and make me laugh. They are the ones that take your craziness and point you back into the direction of God. It is through our relationship with other christians that we our encouraged to take the right step. I cannot tell you how many phone calls, crying sessions and all that that my girls have heard me go through, and me them. God gives us each other for a reason!

#4 Staying Healthy. I’m not healthy yet by any means, but the Lord calls us to maintain our temple, and that is what we should strive to do. For me I’m trying to exercise (the Girls come in again here!) and eat a balanced diet. It’s a lifestyle that needs to be maintained. It’s one I’m working on!

#5 Sometimes you’ve got to let the laundry sit and the house be dirty. I’m not saying always but you have to know yourself. We need to rest. God purposely made cities of refuge in the Bible. They were for people in trouble, to find rest from the outside world. We need to also know our limits and rest sometimes. 🙂

All in all, it comes back to the relationship you have with Christ. If you are constantly fueling up and then you will be full of the Word of God and thus be able to give out to the world and your family. God will be behind all of your decisions and then all of a sudden..Voila!! You’ll have balance!

May God Bless You and Keep You!