The Hardest Post I’ve Written. Ever.

For the past week or so, every single time I get into my truck to go somewhere, I hear the exact same song on the radio. I kid you not. I leave at different times on different days, yet every time, Losing by Tenth Avenue North is playing on the radio.

Some of you might take that not to mean anything, I however, have figured out that God is trying to speak to me. And He is speaking loudly about the hardest thing that I have found to do in my christian walk. Forgiveness. It’s that thing that you give to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Who hurt you or someone you love, who embedded hurt so far down inside that you don’t even know that you need to forgive.

I find it so much easier to forgive a stranger than someone who means so much to me. Someone who means much, can inflict so much wreckage in our lives and yet God says, Forgive.

I thought for years now, that I had forgiven and forgotten about some past hurts. But this month, God has shown me that in my humanity, I simply pushed those hurts, the pain, the words spoken to me out of malice, down farther and farther and now, they have made their way to the surface refusing to go away without being taken care of.

I realized that there are some people in my life that I hadn’t forgiven because the hurt that was inflicted was deeper than I ever understood before. It was a hurt that shaped my life in my early years, that made me question who I was and whether anyone would ever love me, or would even see that I exist. It’s a pain that I have carried around, a feeling of righteous abandonment, that I felt I didn’t have to forgive. And my denial only increased as the years have passed. I am 34 years old and I still have malicious words running through my head from years ago┬áthat I have never forgotten nor have I forgiven.

And now as I grow in my spiritual walk, all I want is to be free of this pain, free of these thoughts, words, and actions that shaped wrong thoughts of myself. I want to be free to love again. Free to live in God’s love and free to live the life that God has always had for me. Not long ago I prayed that God would open the rusty doors to all the rooms in my heart, and He has answered, opening all the doors that I was trying to hold closed, but that’s not where I want to be. I pray that God will help me to forgive those people that have hurt me and that I and they will be released, I mean, forgiveness is not supposed to be easy. Think about what Jesus had to do for our forgiveness, He had to DIE. He had to bleed. He had to suffer. But JOY came in the morning, the morning, that He rose again from the dead.

My friend, Cari, told me once, that sometimes you just have to write a letter about how you feel about something someone has done to you, so here’s mine to all the unforgiven in my life.

To the Unforgiven:

I want to forgive you. So this is what I pray:

Lord,

Please help me to forgive them. They know not what they do. They do not know that they have caused me such pain. I no longer want to live in unforgiveness. I’m ready to let go of the pain, the hurt, and all the words that are running around in my brain. I pray Father, for Your Holy Spirit to rise up in me, to clear my heart of all the bitterness that I have harbored against these people. I pray blessings upon each and everyone of them, that You will bless them abundantly. Father I pray for Your peace that passes all understanding on myself and on the people that I have felt wronged by.

In JESUS HOLY NAME, AMEN.

The Bible has a lot to say about forgiveness, But I would start here: Matthew 6:9-13. It’s Jesus’ own prayer. Do you have someone that you need to forgive? I pray that you will and that God will give you the strength to do so.

 

Be Blessed.

Katie